June 20, 2010.

You know what's really annoying? When everyone else tries to get into your business, & when they don't know what's REALLY going on, they just assume you're the problem & YOU'RE the bitch in the situation.

All that keeps running through my head are songs talking about how relationships can be perfect but things change, & they don't work out how everyone thought they would. You could be DESPERATELY in love with someone, for the longest time, but what everyone doesn't realize is that things DO change. It might seem that you've moved on, but that's just for show.

Look, for everyone out there thinking I'm a bitch for everything that's gone on in MY relationship? You ALL can just go somewhere. Were any of y'all in the relationship? Do ANY of y'all know what went on? Didn't think so. So stop trying to act like you know ALL or even ANYTHING about it. 'Cause you don't.

June 1, 2010;

The beginning of summer..

Summer hasn't started out as I had expected, at all. The past eight days have been very long. In the past eight days, I've gotten out of school, gotten myself grounded, gotten broken up with, & lost five pounds.

Over the past few days, I have never felt so pathetic in my life. Sitting at home, doing whatever, has made me sick. Laying in bed, watching movies? One of my worst decisions. Ever tried looking through movies that didn't have any hint of a love story in them? It's impossible. I have a CLOSET FULL of movies, there's maybe ONE with out any in it.

Last night I cleaned off the table by my bed. Also, not a very good decision. With love notes/letters covered all over it. & some, ones I had started writing to him. A few different journals I had written in. Two pictures in frames. My Birthday letter, & Valentine's Day letter. I stayed up for a while, talking to an old friend.

& this is supposed to be summer? SUMMER? This feels absolutely NOTHING like summer. Being stuck at home with absolutely NOTHING to do? This isn't summer. Summer is supposed to be laying out all day with your best friends, soaking up all the sun you can get, turning straight BLACK. It's supposed to be driving around town with nothing to do but blare your music, & have the windows down. Jumping into pools, fully clothed, just for the hell of it. Eating WAY too much junk food, & laying around watching your favorite movies with your bestfriend.

That summer love, that everyone secretly or openly hopes for every year with the summer air. Walking down the beach, with your arms brushing against each other, not knowing if he wants to hold your hand as badly as you want to hold his. The first kiss when he walks you to your door after an amazing night out..

This. Is. Not. Summer.

May 20, 2010;

Ever have that feeling that your entire world is just crashing down on you & there's no escape? Well, try having that feeling for almost a week straight.

I've recently realized that I'm one of the most slack people in the world. I've been slack with my school work this quarter, & it shows in my grades. Let's just say, they're not as high as they should be. &, I know that something is due, start doing it, then get too tired & just give up on doing it. For example, here I write.

I'm exhausted 99.9% of the time, & it's really starting to get on my nerves. I can't stay up past ten or I'm even more tired the next day. Being tired puts me in a constant bad mood. Which helps with the relationships in my life, lemme tell ya.

But, one plus-side to my life right now, I've been running with my sister trying to get myself back in shape. Which, when I push myself, helps sometimes.

I'm done complaining, goodnight.

March 15, 2010.

I LOVE MY FRIENDS, & FAMILY!

Recently, I've realized that I really have all that I need. Who ever I was looking for to replace certain things in my life, I don't need it. I'm absolutely in love with all of the friends I have right now. & my family couldn't mean more.

Jonathan; You're absolutely amazing, & I couldn't ask for anyone better.

Brooke; You are the best friend anyone could ask for. We're like the same person, just in two separate bodies. You understand me, better than ANYONE else does.

Jordan; I MISS & LOVE YOU! Best friends since ninth grade, & still going? Hell yeah! I love you!

Soo, I was in a good mood, & felt like being lovey (:

March 4, 2010;

I feel like I'm going to explode. Like once I get part of my life straight everything else has to blow up in front of my face.

I don't understand how people can vent to me, ask me for advice, & get the information THEY need, then just leave. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE that people come to me for advice & to vent. Some of my friends actually let me come back & vent, too. But, the people like the first sentence up there? It's getting old.

A relationship goes both ways. If you're looking for a friend to vent to & to tell you the straight TRUTH, then I'm your girl. But, if that's ALL you're looking for, you better keep looking. I'm so sick of people coming to me, & talking about me me me, & then when it's my turn, it NEVER HAPPENS. I have issues to, ME! EMILY! I may not want to talk about them a lot of the time, but when I do? LISTEN TO ME!

I'm overwhelmed with so much right now. & I'm getting sick & tired of being pushed back & only coming around when YOU need someone.

Bad day;

So, today pretty much sucked. I was exhausted all day, & didn't want to be at school at all. I got accused of stealing SIX dollars out of someone's purse. Wow, really? I needed six dollars? Definitely.

Oh, & to top it off? I've been arguing with someone all night. Who appearently doesn't give a shit about anything that's going on with me, so only says that I'M making them feel like crap.

I haven't gotten any sleep at all this week. & I have to get up early to leave for Charlotte by eight in the morning. Well, I wish I could get more sleep but, I'm SO excited to spend two days with my mom & sister!

Going to take a shower, & go to bed early tonight; before nine o'clock. Maybe some sleep will make me feel better..

February 17, 2010.

I really hate when I try to END an argument because I don't want to get into another fight, & the person just thinks I'm being a jerk. Today has been a roller coaster. & I'm really sick of this ride. On the plus side, I finally got a couple of hours of sleep last night..

AHH;

I'm so frustrated with people right now!

The blunt, & the bold;

You know how everyone says that people from up North are stuck up? Well, some people might think that, but it's not really true. It's not that they're stuck up, it's that they're the only people that will tell you the truth.

I'm from New York, & I'm probably one of the most blunt person that you'll ever meet/talk to. Honestly, it's one of the qualities I love about myself. Other people on the other hand..some love it, some HATE it. Pretty much everyone knows this about me, yet some people still get mad at me when I tell them the truth/my opinion. If you know the truth is going to hurt you, why would you come to the friend you KNOW will tell it to you, & then get mad at them for telling it? Well, I'm sick & tired of people getting mad at me for telling them what they need to hear, if you don't want to hear it, STOP asking my opinion.

It's been a while;

Wow, I haven't blogged in a REALLY long time. So, what's on my mind?

I'm SO, unbelievably, frustrated. I fucked up, & I got in trouble. I don't know what my punishment is, as of now. I have a project due Tuesday, that I can't do on my computer. I need to go to someone's house to do it, but, I'm grounded. Tell me how that one works out?

This weekend was pretty awesome. My dad came up from Florida, & stayed in Columbia; me staying with my sister in her dorm. Spending days with my dad, two sisters, & brother. Eating, & laughing away. It was awesome. & spending nights hanging out with my sister, just having a good time. I wish this weekend couldn't end. I need to catch up on a lot of sleep from this weekend..

Today was Valentine's Day. I saw him for less then an hour & a half. He gave me a letter three pages long. A little bit:

"When I met you, something caught my eye and made me think, 'Hmm. There's something about that girl.' Well not I know what that something is. It's that, that girl, is the love of my life, the one I've been up and down with - through so much, the one I've made countless memories with, the one I've cried with, laughed with, fought with, and been happier than ever with; and she's the one I want to spend the rest of my life with and make so many more memories with, making me fall in love with her all over again, even more than the time before. everyday - for the rest of my life."

I love this boy with absolutely everything I have in me. I don't care if I'm a junior in high school, I plan on marrying this boy someday.

Well, I was bored. & I realized I hadn't blogged in a while. Can you tell?

October 21;

Don't you hate when you get SOO upset over something & you don't even know the real reason why? It could be the LITTLEST thing, something you should just blow over but, you STILL get SOO upset over it? That happened to me today. It could have been a combination of being sick & tired but, I still shouldn't have gotten upset. Something that was just some stupid drama that just made me want to screw these few girls over..I KNEW I could do it but, I KNOW it's not the right thing to do. Why can't I just do the wrong thing every once in a while? I know that sounds awful but, it would make ME feel SOO much better. Which isn't right either.. So what did I do? Vented it out to my mom, went inside, & took a nap to calm down. I don't feel all the way better but, I'm glad I didn't do anything when I was about to blow.

High school's a bitch;

I hate how hard it really is to stay out of the drama that goes on in a high school. You can say you stay out of it all you want to but, it always seems to come, & sneak right up on you. High school really is an interesting thing. It can be the "best time of your life" or the worst. You change friends like you change your underwear these days, & even with the friends you have you can never be completely sure that they'll stay, or the you can really, & truly trust them. The only people you can REALLY count on is your family; even if you don't talk to anyone in your family, it's always true.

Say you're best friends with someone for almost three years. Does it really mean anything? It's just like a relationship with a boyfriend or girlfriend. Whether things are going the way you want them to or not, you think it'll all be ok in the end no matter what. But then when the breakup hits; you never saw it coming, & then everything just goes away, & you eventually just have nothing in common with that person anymore. Let me tell you; whether it's a best friend or a boyfriend/girlfriend, it just sucks.

Side note: The definition of "immature" ; adjective; not fully grown or developed.
THERE ARE WAY TOO MANY IMMATURE PEOPLE AT WEST FLORENCE HIGH SCHOOL.

Let me just say; West Florence High School is filled with immature people, who talk about THEIR BEST FRIENDS behind their back's (which I've witnessed countless times in one of my classes this semester), & then start all the drama.

I could write a lot more but, I'm sick, tired, & frustrated with some immature people right now!

Gossip;

Anyone could tell you, because everyone knows, that I am one of the worst gossipers ever. Wow, did I really just say that? Me? The person who's never wrong and hates admitting things? Wow.

Honestly, I really wish I would try harder to stop. So many things have happened to me over the past year and a half dealing with my gossiping, it's ridiculous. I've lost friends because of it, and an older boyfriend has YELLED at me because of it. Yet, I still seem to find my way back in step with my everyday gossip. I've tried to change so many times, and I'm still trying.

Today I was sitting in class and I turned to the person next to me and told her something I found out earlier. Within two seconds of me telling her it spread like wildfire and she was telling her other friends in the class. Everyone has told me before that that's how gossiping works. And I believed it, or at least I thought I did. But, until today, I never actually fully got that concept into my head. How could I go on and say such horrible things about people behind their backs? And people I don't even know! How horrible am I? I'm awful. And I'm supposed to be a Christian? I say I'm a Christian yet I go around talking about everyone? How messed up is that? I'm so angry, I don't even know how to finish this right now.

HAPPY!;

Ahh! :) Ever since two wednesdays ago (April 15) I have been in the best mood! I don't know what it is but, something in me just changed. It's almost like it's been a flip of a switch. I'm more friendly, to people I don't even know. I'm more positive, then I ever thought I could be. I'm happy! Happy, happy, happy! :)

Things happen;

A lot of things have happened in the past couple of days that I'd have to say, have left me hurt and confused. A lot of it has made me break down in tears so much to the point I didn't think I was going to recover from it. But, though these things have all upset me, it's all opened my eyes to everything that's really been going on with me over the past couple of weeks that I couldn't see for myself. The changes, the relationships I've put on the back burner, even the most important ones to me.

Last night was a typical Wednesday night for me. I came home, got some food, and went to bible study. Last night we talked about how we preached our sermon to the people we see everyday, or even just a random person out of the blue. And lately I've been so caught up in myself and my problems that I haven't been preaching the sermon of Jesus Christ, I've been preaching Emily; myself. That's not how it's supposed to be at all yet it's how most people, Christians and non, walk around and live their daily lives.

A lot of things have changed about me in the past couple of weeks. And I don't like it at all. I'm not saying that I was ever the perfect Christian; I was very far from it. But I WAS more positive, I DIDact more like a christian, EVERYDAY, and not just when I wanted to be. I'd pushed the relationships of my best friend and of my Savior out of my head. I couldn't tell you the last time I had a real talk with my best friend. And I couldn't tell you the last time I actually sat down, cleared my head, in silence, and talked to God. How awful is that? It makes me sick just typing it. That I could let myself let other things pull me away from God.

Things need to change. Things are going to change. And some people might not be too happy about it. But, that's not my problem right now. I need to get some things straight for me.

Things in life are supposed to make you stronger;

People have always told me that the bad things that happen to you are in your life to make you stronger. You get in a fight with your best friend, boyfriend, or family member. You don't get accepted to the college you wanted. You lose someone you love. From little things to the things that could mean the most to you; they're supposed to make you stronger. I haven't really ever understood this whole concept until now.

When someone would say this to me I'd do my usual; roll my eyes, and think of how stupid it sounds. How could things that are so bad that happen to you, make you stronger? Things that make you feel like you can't go on any longer? Things that make you think there couldn't be anything worse? They make you stronger?

I've had a lot of issues in my life; not as many as other people but, still issues. I've been at those times when I've felt like I couldn't go on any longer, and most of the time I just never tried. It's a very hard thing for me to do. I'm not the type of person to just let things go. It's probably the hardest thing for me to do. That, and being the bigger person.

But, you really need to learn to. I was reading my Devotional last night and when I was done I just sat there in the silence; talking to God. I will admit, I haven't done that in a very long time, and I needed it. I completely broke down. Giving God my everything. Getting a lot of things off my chest. And sitting there, talking, thinking, and praying, I began to think about all of the things that have been going on lately.

God sent his one and only son to die for me. God made me how I am and puts these obstacles in my life. He always has his reasons. And one of them is always to make me stronger. I wish other people would come to that realization if they haven't yet. It may not seem like a very hard concept to grasp for some people, but really, it is. And until last night, I didn't think I would ever understand.

There are a lot of things that I need to let go, and be the bigger person about. A lot of things I need to just forget about, and not let them get in my way. Because even when it seems like everything's going downhill and nothing is going to make it better, God put all of those things in my life to make me stronger. And it's time I start getting that through my head.

Just an FYI;

I'm a very blunt person. So if you don't like boldness, you probably shouldn't read this blog.

It's time something was said;

There are a lot of things that I don't really care for. But, one that I absolutely cannot stand is a two-faced person. There are a lot of two-faced people in this world but, I can't take it when they are someone that I'm close to and that I know well.

Allison, a college student, spoke on Wednesday night at my youth bible study. She did an amazing job, I absolutely loved every minute of it. She talked about how our youth group is at a stand still, and that it has been for months. She said that we should be taking steps forward, RUNNING! We should all be RUNNING forward with God! There are so many people in our youth group that are just standing still, even some of the older students. I am not saying that I didn't need to hear that at all and that I'm doing a fine job as being a part of this youth group. Because that's not true. It was a complete wake up call for me; as it should have been for many of the students in that house. But there were people talking about it with me the next day saying that the youth group really needed to hear that and that it needed to be said. THEN WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY IT FIRST?! WHAT WERE YOU WAITING FOR?!

Justin, our youth pastor, tells us things like this all the time. We know that things need to be done, and we know what to do, we're just waiting for someone else to do it first because we are too afraid. Well, I know that I am absolutely guilty of this but, for someone to come out and say that, when it's a regular person at church so they'd heard Justin say that, it was a complete shock to my ears. I wanted to absolutely scream those two sentences above. I couldn't believe what I was hearing.

Look people, even if you think that you are a good christian and fulfill all of the duties of a follower of Jesus Christ, there is always room for more. You can always do things better as long as you try. We need to stop being so conceited and stop standing still. And start taking steps forward RUNNING! WITHOUT BEING AFRAID!

Student Life.

I know I'm a little late on talking about Student Life and what it's done for me but, I never exactly got to tell anyone unless they asked me. So many things happened on that trip this past summer, I really think it should still be getting talked about. more and more.

When I went on that trip I went on it looking for God to move me like everyone else had told me about so many times before; and he did. I didn't think anything could ever happen to me like it did on that trip, but this is God, anything is possible in my life now. On that trip, I got so much closer with everyone in our youth group; some people I have to say, I was very surprised with but, it all helped me become so much stronger.

On the second to last night of the trip me and my sister got into an argument. It wasn't going well, she'd met me when I was coming back from the bathroom when the first song of celebration started. We each apologized to each other and started talking. She asked me if I'd been saved and I told her that I had but a long time ago so I didn't think it meant anything. So, standing there in the middle of the worship center, I prayed with her and welcomed God back into my life. After that prayer we went and stood with the rest of the youth group and started singing. The tears just kept coming. I was so HAPPY. It was a constant butterfly in my stomach. Chills the whole time. And it never stopped. I was a different person and it was the most amazing, indescribable feeling ever.

That trip changed my life forever. I now love God with all that I have and my life couldn't be any better.

I'm told that I'm a very blunt person.

Some people who have impacted my life, just made a difference, or who need to just hear something.

1.) You have really made the biggest impact on my life! I'm so proud of you and everything you've achieved. You are the one responsible for making me the better person that I am today. I can't even begin to describe in words how much I love you, and how much of an amazing person you are. You have been someone I've looked up to for as long as I can remember. I really couldn't think of a time when I've ever been disappointed in you. I love you so much, and can't wait to watch you become what I know you can be.

2.) Ohhh you. You have been one of my best friends for a while now, and I still don't know what to make of you. Yes, you have been there for me; through thick and thin. But, was that only after I had to snap at you and tell you I really needed to talk? I love how much you've opened up to me over the past two years, and I'm very grateful that you can come and talk to me when you need to. Sometimes I just wish you would look around and realize that the reasons you are in any circumstances you might be, are all because of your own faults, and you need to stop making up your excuses. Just know that I am always here for you, and I will never leave you, no matter what happens. I love you.

3.)You baby doll, are one of the most amazing people I really have ever met. There aren't any words to describe you with. You are always there for me, and never judge me with anything I have to say. We have the same taste in everything. And the same opinions. I can aways count on you as that person to calm me down when I'm in the worst of moods. Sometimes I really just want to tell you to take more time for yourself, you can't help everyone. I care about you so much, and I really do love you.

4.) Oohh boy, what can I say? We haven't really been friends as long as I wish we have been. I really enjoy our in depth conversations we can get into; no matter who else is around. You really have shown me the way to walk with God. I look up to you in so many ways, as do a lot of other people.

5.) You are a girl I can look up to. No matter what happens you are 99.9% of the time, in the best mood ever. You make my day whenever I see you at school. Always with a huge smile on your face! :] I love you girl!

6.) GIRL! I'm so happy that we have gotten so close over the past few weeks! You are an amazing person to talk to, and even though you're going through some tough things in your life right now, you're always there when I need someone to just listen. I love you, and I'm so grateful to have you as a friend :]

7.) We haven't talked in a while; I really wish that could change...

8.) Even though I moved over 5 states away, you have always been my best friend. We've gotten so much closer since I moved, I really wish it happened before I left. I can't even describe to you how much I need you here at so many different times in my life. I've missed you so much, I love you.

9.) You change your mind every time I talk to you. You want to be one with Christ, and follow a christian's life.. Then you turn around a month later and go have your party fun with the people you know aren't right. I don't understand you. I've been here, every time to help you. And I wont ever leave you.

10.) You are the one that can make me laugh when no one else can; especially when I don't even want to. I can always talk to you and completely spill my guts out to you; you've been through as much as I have, even more. I love you so much, I wish we hung out more.